i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
i dont know why he would complain when i touch him there.
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
Randomize
