Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
Randomize
