I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
"it" just moved
Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
Randomize
