she's into porn, im staying here tonight
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize
