There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
My overnight senior got drunk and hooked up with Kaylee on Sunday. I checked Facebook and he already put down his deposit for next year. This school should pay me a commission.
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Randomize
