I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
