3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize