I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
Good cause the way I see it, we are down to DAYS left of college so we should have as much naked fun as possible. And Jenga really facilitates that.
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
