I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
