Omg Kevin Jonas is engaged!!!!!!
Omg really? To who. Gay marriage is only legal in like 3 states.
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
Yes, I fucked her, no she wasn't that loose, yes she caused more drama than a 14 year old girl
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
Randomize
