Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
Randomize
