there's paper in my vomit.
we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
