i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Randomize
