I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
Is that strawberry winking at me??
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