I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
barbara walters just said penis...
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
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