dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
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