he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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