my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
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