I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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