The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
