a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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