My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Randomize