so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
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