he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
Randomize
