I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
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