Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
Randomize
