Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
Randomize
