Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
Buhtt sex?
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
Randomize