im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
Randomize
