this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
you had me at cake vodka
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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