just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
Randomize
