I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
