I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Randomize
