I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Saw 2 former students outside gas station. gave me money to buy 2 12 packs, asked if I wanted to go to their party.
I told them I had a gf and took one of the 12 packs. Come over.
Texas should really raise its teaching standards.
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Randomize
