you're like a bully in the Christmas story
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
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