The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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