oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
In other news, I just burned my penis
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
Randomize
