I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Randomize
