Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
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