I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
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