you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
Randomize
