I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Randomize
