You found a girl to hook up with at a gay bar?
No. His name was Paco. I didn't get it by choice. I never had a hickey before.
True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
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