He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
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