I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
Randomize
