Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
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