So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
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