i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
