I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
