He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
