Omg I def was not. I wasn't that drunk. I showed that I stuff my bra but I didn't whip my tit out.
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
