Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
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