Your face is a jimmy john
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
Randomize
