Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
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