I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
Whatevss it will be funn .. Hopefully no one projectile vomits on the wall again.. Its kinda become a tradition though
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
Randomize
