I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
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