I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
Randomize
