Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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