I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
as a side note pls kill me
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
Randomize
