I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Randomize
