If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
