How is it? Sketchville?
cheap drinks and peanuts cancel out any form of sketchiness
Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
The ass gains better be worth it
Randomize
