You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Randomize
